I have a new song.
When I say I have a new song it means I am listening to a song over and over, turning up the volume a little bit each time. All other songs become secondary and less desirable. It almost qualifies as a compulsion, the drive is so strong. I tell myself, "okay, this will be the last time I listen to it for now" but when it's over, I need to hear it again. I have done this my entire life. I think I may have pushed my mother to the brink of insanity when I was a little girl and played "Sandy" from the movie Grease a hundred times a day for what I'm sure must have been months. I could go through my itunes account and easily point out at least 30 songs that have held this role for me. Sometimes I love them because of the music. The music moves me in a deep and powerful way that is unexplainable, yet inescapable. Sometimes it's the lyrics. The lyrics speak to me about something I know to be true, yet have never known how to express so perfectly. And of course, sometimes it's both.
My obsession with this song was a cunnudrum for me. I usually know immediately why I have developed an affection for "my" song. Yet with this one, I was at a total loss. Yes, the music is beautiful and the harmonies enchanting, but there are other songs on the CD that are equal, if not superior, musically. So I knew it must have something to do with the lyrics, but what? On the surface the lyrics seem to support a pretty codependent relationship, not generally something of which I'm a big fan. I continued to listen to this song, incessently, for weeks. I was determined to make sense of what it was trying to tell me.
Then it happened, it clicked, and I understood. Tears swam into my eyes.
It is a love song to myself.
I know it is not a traditional love song. This song has grit, hurt, and sadness wrapped deeply into it. It isn't a fairytale or a fantasy. But, of course, that is why it works. A love song to myself could never be too sweet or too rosey. I know myself too well. I was there on the cold, dark nights when I was filled with self-hatred, disgust, and shame. It wasn't sweet or rosey. I also know the intense, bone-jarring deconstruction and rebuilding that I have spent most of my life doing. And it doesn't fit in the "boy meets girl and the world is complete" paradigm of love songs.
In order to understand why this song is perfect love song for me, you have to understand something about me. I do not want to be loved only for what I do well. I do not want to be loved only for the good things about me. I do not want to be loved "in spite" of my flaws and mistakes.
I want to be loved for Me, all of me.
I want you to love me because I'm weird, because of my ADD and all the annoying behaviors it engenders, because I'm constantly overwhelmed, because I can't multitask and juggle lots of balls without making a giant mess, in essence, because I'm flawed and imperfect. These things are a part of me, so how can you love me without loving them?
If you can't love me completely in the moment that I am being impossible, then you can't love me completely.
And I deserve to be loved completely.
That is why this song is the right love song for me. It starts by acknowledging all of the shit that has transpired, all the ways I have hurt myself, and all the ways I have failed to be the "me" of my dreams. It asks for an abundance of strength in the face of hardship, forgiveness in the face of failure, and ultimately Grace. It askes me to not only forgive, but absolve myself of it all. Take the past and all it's dirty little episodes and throw them away...let them go....surrender them to God, The Universe, who or whatever....just have it be over and done. And with each new mistake, learn and let it go!
It asks me to look at the good. I am to look at the ways I make the world a better place, the ways that I enhance my life and the lives of those around me, the things that I do well, and simply the ways that I am good. These things are to be my focus. Because what we focus on always gets bigger.
Ultimately, it asks me to look at the whole of me. Everything that I am, have been, and can be. I am asked to look at it all....and be enchanted! This part is important. It is not enough to be accepting, or even content....I am asked to be in-love with what I see. I am to be the girl that suits my fancy, and nothing less than that will do.
In essence, I am asked to love myself for exactly who I am, fuck-ups, gifts, and all. It asks me if I still hold myself in esteem and love after all I've been through, and really, how could the answer be anything other than "yes"?
My saying "yes" is important for another reason. Simply, I can NOT ask from others something I will not give myself. If I will not love myself as I deserve to be loved, completely and without reservation, then I cannot not expect it from anyone else. And I cannot be hurt when they will not provide for me what I will not provide for myself.
Finally, the song ends with a commitment. A commitment to always be there, no matter how many times I forget myself. A commitment to always provide forgiveness, strength, and grace. A commitment to love myself completely and totally no matter what.
That is a commitment I am happy to make. "Cause baby, I'm a true romantic!"
To hear the song that baffled my brain, but spoke deeply to my heart click on the link below. It is from the Indigo Girls's new CD. It is called "True Romantic" and the lyrics follow the link.
Baby, I got the best intentions, but I just can't do it.
Baby, I got the truest aim, but I just can't win.
Baby, I got a good vibration, but I just can't play it.
Baby, I spent my only fortune on the wages of sin.
So you, you gotta be extra forgiving.
And you gotta be, super stong.
And you gotta be a true romantic.
I want you to look the other way. When everything goes wrong.
Baby if you took all the good stuff and you put it all together.
And you took all the bad stuff and you threw it all away:
Would I still be the girl that suits your fancy?
Would I still be the boy that rocks your world?
So if you get lonely for the trouble and the chaos.
If you get bored, since you walked away.
Remember what I told you, when night was darkest.
You can leave me all you need to
Baby, I'm here to stay.
Baby, I'm gonna be extra forgiving.
And I'm gonna be super strong.
Cause baby, I'm a true romantic.
I'm gonna look the other way when everything goes wrong.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
In search of the girl I never was
Once upon a time I was a little girl.
That’s how the story goes.
The thing is I don’t believe it’s true.
I am almost certain I was born an old soul.
For the sake of clarity, I am not saying that I was robbed of a childhood. My opportunity to be a child was not stolen because being a child was never in the cards for me. I have never had a child’s view of the world. My view of the world has always been huge. As a small child I wanted to abolish money so no one could ever be poor and while other children played kickball, I played Adoption Agency. You’ve probably never heard of it, because I made it up. I took notebooks and made lists and lists of children that needed homes, with all of their identifying information, and then matched them with families. Don’t get me wrong, I played normal children’s games, sometimes with great abandon. But as a general rule it never felt natural to me and nothing ever seemed simple and one-dimensional. I have always known this was true but the opportunity to watch my son, who is such a child, play with total immersion and joy, has clarified it on a new level for me. He lives in a world that is all about him. What he thinks, feels, and experiences in the moment is all that matters. Will he have to grow beyond this? Absolutely. Is it delightful to watch him be a child while he is a child? More than you could possibly know.
As a child I wanted nothing more than to be a “normal” kid. It was a very difficult and lonely childhood. As a small child I fretted over global injustice and small scale pettiness and felt overwhelming distress by both. My gifts of empathy and intuition were present, but my skills to manage them were not. So I walked my world, absorbing the emotions of those around me, with no filter and no defenses. An intuitive woman walking around in little girl skin makes adults and other children profoundly uncomfortable, and I absorbed every ounce of discomfort, distrust, and dislike they felt. Even the adults that deeply loved me were perpetually confounded by me. Everyone wanted me to be a kid, including me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make it happen. As I aged, I learned to hide it better. I tried to keep my odd thoughts and feeling to myself more, but they never left me.
Becoming an adult has been a wonderful thing for me. I fit in my own skin better than ever and have an adult’s perspective to go with a huge view of the world. I have skills and boundaries that keep me safe from the emotions and judgments of those around me. My eccentricities have become gifts rather than curses. It has also allowed me to give birth to my daughter, another old soul, and to love her with a depth and breadth that leaves me no option but to love the old soul in little girl skin that I was.
But still….I sense I missed something by never being a girl….something really special. I want to be goofy, silly, and playful without gauging the emotional energy and comfort of those around me. I want to laugh out loud at inappropriate things without worrying that someone may be offended. I want to live inside of my own head, think about what I want, and let others worry about themselves. Not all the time of course, not even most of the time. The majority of my life, both personally and professionally, is centered around the emotional caretaking of others. I chose this and I am happy with my choice. The point of finding the girl inside of myself is not to lose that, it is simply to find a small slice of life that is only about me having fun in the moment. I have never had this and I think I deserve it.
My conscious commitment to this process started with Facebook. I decided that what I chose to post would be exactly what I wanted to post, nothing more or less. Old habits are hard to break and it’s been hard for me at times. I have forced myself to post a few political and religious things that I knew would upset someone. And I have forced myself not to interfere in the ensuing debate between my friends, even when it makes me uncomfortable. In another example, the other day, a friend posted a link to a YouTube video that made me laugh hard. I immediately wanted to share it because it gave me joy, but it took me half a day to do so out of my fear of offending somebody. I eventually made myself because I am determined to have this.
This blog is another avenue for me to totally be my irreverent, quirky, opinionated self. That is why I named it the girl who loves woo, rather than the woman who loves woo. This blog is honoring the girl in me, who can say whatever she wants, because taking care of others isn’t her job. I love and value the woman in me and she is front and center in almost all areas of my life. But this, this I’m giving to my girl.
That’s how the story goes.
The thing is I don’t believe it’s true.
I am almost certain I was born an old soul.
For the sake of clarity, I am not saying that I was robbed of a childhood. My opportunity to be a child was not stolen because being a child was never in the cards for me. I have never had a child’s view of the world. My view of the world has always been huge. As a small child I wanted to abolish money so no one could ever be poor and while other children played kickball, I played Adoption Agency. You’ve probably never heard of it, because I made it up. I took notebooks and made lists and lists of children that needed homes, with all of their identifying information, and then matched them with families. Don’t get me wrong, I played normal children’s games, sometimes with great abandon. But as a general rule it never felt natural to me and nothing ever seemed simple and one-dimensional. I have always known this was true but the opportunity to watch my son, who is such a child, play with total immersion and joy, has clarified it on a new level for me. He lives in a world that is all about him. What he thinks, feels, and experiences in the moment is all that matters. Will he have to grow beyond this? Absolutely. Is it delightful to watch him be a child while he is a child? More than you could possibly know.
As a child I wanted nothing more than to be a “normal” kid. It was a very difficult and lonely childhood. As a small child I fretted over global injustice and small scale pettiness and felt overwhelming distress by both. My gifts of empathy and intuition were present, but my skills to manage them were not. So I walked my world, absorbing the emotions of those around me, with no filter and no defenses. An intuitive woman walking around in little girl skin makes adults and other children profoundly uncomfortable, and I absorbed every ounce of discomfort, distrust, and dislike they felt. Even the adults that deeply loved me were perpetually confounded by me. Everyone wanted me to be a kid, including me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make it happen. As I aged, I learned to hide it better. I tried to keep my odd thoughts and feeling to myself more, but they never left me.
Becoming an adult has been a wonderful thing for me. I fit in my own skin better than ever and have an adult’s perspective to go with a huge view of the world. I have skills and boundaries that keep me safe from the emotions and judgments of those around me. My eccentricities have become gifts rather than curses. It has also allowed me to give birth to my daughter, another old soul, and to love her with a depth and breadth that leaves me no option but to love the old soul in little girl skin that I was.
But still….I sense I missed something by never being a girl….something really special. I want to be goofy, silly, and playful without gauging the emotional energy and comfort of those around me. I want to laugh out loud at inappropriate things without worrying that someone may be offended. I want to live inside of my own head, think about what I want, and let others worry about themselves. Not all the time of course, not even most of the time. The majority of my life, both personally and professionally, is centered around the emotional caretaking of others. I chose this and I am happy with my choice. The point of finding the girl inside of myself is not to lose that, it is simply to find a small slice of life that is only about me having fun in the moment. I have never had this and I think I deserve it.
My conscious commitment to this process started with Facebook. I decided that what I chose to post would be exactly what I wanted to post, nothing more or less. Old habits are hard to break and it’s been hard for me at times. I have forced myself to post a few political and religious things that I knew would upset someone. And I have forced myself not to interfere in the ensuing debate between my friends, even when it makes me uncomfortable. In another example, the other day, a friend posted a link to a YouTube video that made me laugh hard. I immediately wanted to share it because it gave me joy, but it took me half a day to do so out of my fear of offending somebody. I eventually made myself because I am determined to have this.
This blog is another avenue for me to totally be my irreverent, quirky, opinionated self. That is why I named it the girl who loves woo, rather than the woman who loves woo. This blog is honoring the girl in me, who can say whatever she wants, because taking care of others isn’t her job. I love and value the woman in me and she is front and center in almost all areas of my life. But this, this I’m giving to my girl.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Woo Who?
When 2 of the people who know you best (my husband and mother in this case) don't understand the name of your blog, you may have gone awry. The reality is that I spent quite some time choosing the name and it is perfect for me and my purposes, so it will stay and I will try to explain myself.
I'm assuming the biggest hurdle would be "Woo". Even if this word has meaning for you, it may not be the meaning it has for me. For me, woo is a global term to describe all of the magical forces in the universe. Magic has been a powerful, guiding force in my life.
For example, twice in my life, I have been honored by the "routine" magical experience of growing an entirely new, complex, unique human being inside of my body. While some may argue that there is nothing magical about this process, citing all of our scientific understanding of embryonic and fetal development, I feel no need to create a false dichotomy between magic and science. Much of what we understand scientifically, for example how our world evolved, is profoundly magical.
I have also experienced magic that is unknowable on this plane, such as my deep connection to God and a concrete moment of hope I was given on a dark, hopeless night.
As I delve deeper into the world of energy healing, I have an opportunity to experience magic on a routine basis. It is amazing to watch people free themselves of burdens that that have marred their lives for years, with an intense, but relatively simple process. Recently, I helped a client relieve some chronic pain in 15 minutes of energy work. After we were done, she looked at me with total sincerity and said "are you a witch?" I took this as a compliment.
At this point, we have to ask the question: but why the word "woo"? Let me explain.
The first reason is because I want to reclaim the word. Woo is a word that has frequently been used to dismiss, demean, and belittle believing in things outside of the mainstream. I believe it is important to embrace words that have been used in a pejoritive manner to control and oppress people. For example, I have long celebrated the bitch aspect of womanhood. It is important to own a "bitch hat" and know when to use it. There are times that a woman needs to be clear, firm, unwavering, solid, and even at times, unkind, in order to protect herself or others. Being a bitch in these instances is an admirable thing. And also, even though it still makes me flinch a little, and I am only in the stage where I say them in my mind, I am working to embrace the words pussy and cunt. For the simple reason that I'll be damned if a part of my body, a part I like very much in fact, is a bad word. The same idea is true for "woo", I will make this word, that is used to demean something near and dear to my heart, my own.
The second reason is a simple play on words. Woo rhymes with you. The best way for me to love you, and all of humankind, is to love woo, and all the wonderful and powerful things that means.
And just in case the "girl" part was the confusion...well, I have a cunt.
I'm assuming the biggest hurdle would be "Woo". Even if this word has meaning for you, it may not be the meaning it has for me. For me, woo is a global term to describe all of the magical forces in the universe. Magic has been a powerful, guiding force in my life.
For example, twice in my life, I have been honored by the "routine" magical experience of growing an entirely new, complex, unique human being inside of my body. While some may argue that there is nothing magical about this process, citing all of our scientific understanding of embryonic and fetal development, I feel no need to create a false dichotomy between magic and science. Much of what we understand scientifically, for example how our world evolved, is profoundly magical.
I have also experienced magic that is unknowable on this plane, such as my deep connection to God and a concrete moment of hope I was given on a dark, hopeless night.
As I delve deeper into the world of energy healing, I have an opportunity to experience magic on a routine basis. It is amazing to watch people free themselves of burdens that that have marred their lives for years, with an intense, but relatively simple process. Recently, I helped a client relieve some chronic pain in 15 minutes of energy work. After we were done, she looked at me with total sincerity and said "are you a witch?" I took this as a compliment.
At this point, we have to ask the question: but why the word "woo"? Let me explain.
The first reason is because I want to reclaim the word. Woo is a word that has frequently been used to dismiss, demean, and belittle believing in things outside of the mainstream. I believe it is important to embrace words that have been used in a pejoritive manner to control and oppress people. For example, I have long celebrated the bitch aspect of womanhood. It is important to own a "bitch hat" and know when to use it. There are times that a woman needs to be clear, firm, unwavering, solid, and even at times, unkind, in order to protect herself or others. Being a bitch in these instances is an admirable thing. And also, even though it still makes me flinch a little, and I am only in the stage where I say them in my mind, I am working to embrace the words pussy and cunt. For the simple reason that I'll be damned if a part of my body, a part I like very much in fact, is a bad word. The same idea is true for "woo", I will make this word, that is used to demean something near and dear to my heart, my own.
The second reason is a simple play on words. Woo rhymes with you. The best way for me to love you, and all of humankind, is to love woo, and all the wonderful and powerful things that means.
And just in case the "girl" part was the confusion...well, I have a cunt.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Why Me?
As I begin this new venture there is one question that keeps jumping into mind, “why, in God’s name, are you starting a blog?” This is, in fact, an excellent question. Aren’t there enough people out there clamoring for our attention? Around 100,000 to 160,000 people start a blog each month. Do that many of us really have something to say, or more importantly, something worth hearing? If the numbers alone didn’t make me question whether this venture was necessary, then my profession would. A great many people in my profession believe that blogging is an exercise in narcissism and they probably have a point. If it was simply about self growth, then we would put it in our private little journal and not broadcast it to the world. If one is blogging, then on some level that person must believe that others should hear what you have to say, and isn’t that a little narcissistic?
So with so many people out there blogging away, what do I have to add to the mix? I am a very smart woman, but I am certainly not the smartest individual on the face of the Earth and quite frankly, most people don’t get my intelligence. It’s just a little too quirky for the masses. I am not particularly funny. And while I am profoundly passionate, I am not dogmatic or zealous. I do have my unique point of view, but doesn’t every unique individual on the planet, when it comes right down to it.
And then there is my final objection to starting this blog, which is people, can be mean. I have not maintained my sanity by inviting people’s cruelty into my life. But is that not what I am doing with this activity? Human beings have a very hard time respectfully disagreeing with others. I will say things that people disagree with and while some will say “here’s what I think”; some will say “you are (stupid, ignorant, evil, etc) because you believe that”. Being a person who is sensitive to negativity, that will hurt me and I don’t look forward to it.
So with all of that said, we are back to the original question, “why, in God’s name, are you starting a blog?” And I only have one answer, “because I have to”. I don’t know why this is, but I have learned to trust myself when I am propelled to do something. I do not know that I have anything unique to offer beyond my perspective and I am fully prepared for this to be a colossal failure, but I have to do it. This is not nearly as large a calling as having my children or pursuing my career were, but it is calling me, and if I have learned one thing in life, it’s go when you’re called.
So with so many people out there blogging away, what do I have to add to the mix? I am a very smart woman, but I am certainly not the smartest individual on the face of the Earth and quite frankly, most people don’t get my intelligence. It’s just a little too quirky for the masses. I am not particularly funny. And while I am profoundly passionate, I am not dogmatic or zealous. I do have my unique point of view, but doesn’t every unique individual on the planet, when it comes right down to it.
And then there is my final objection to starting this blog, which is people, can be mean. I have not maintained my sanity by inviting people’s cruelty into my life. But is that not what I am doing with this activity? Human beings have a very hard time respectfully disagreeing with others. I will say things that people disagree with and while some will say “here’s what I think”; some will say “you are (stupid, ignorant, evil, etc) because you believe that”. Being a person who is sensitive to negativity, that will hurt me and I don’t look forward to it.
So with all of that said, we are back to the original question, “why, in God’s name, are you starting a blog?” And I only have one answer, “because I have to”. I don’t know why this is, but I have learned to trust myself when I am propelled to do something. I do not know that I have anything unique to offer beyond my perspective and I am fully prepared for this to be a colossal failure, but I have to do it. This is not nearly as large a calling as having my children or pursuing my career were, but it is calling me, and if I have learned one thing in life, it’s go when you’re called.
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