True Romantic

I have a new song.

When I say I have a new song it means I am listening to a song over and over, turning up the volume a little bit each time. All other songs become secondary and less desirable. It almost qualifies as a compulsion, the drive is so strong. I tell myself, "okay, this will be the last time I listen to it for now" but when it's over, I need to hear it again. I have done this my entire life. I think I may have pushed my mother to the brink of insanity when I was a little girl and played "Sandy" from the movie Grease a hundred times a day for what I'm sure must have been months. I could go through my itunes account and easily point out at least 30 songs that have held this role for me. Sometimes I love them because of the music. The music moves me in a deep and powerful way that is unexplainable, yet inescapable. Sometimes it's the lyrics. The lyrics speak to me about something I know to be true, yet have never known how to express so perfectly. And of course, sometimes it's both.

My obsession with this song was a cunnudrum for me. I usually know immediately why I have developed an affection for "my" song. Yet with this one, I was at a total loss. Yes, the music is beautiful and the harmonies enchanting, but there are other songs on the CD that are equal, if not superior, musically. So I knew it must have something to do with the lyrics, but what? On the surface the lyrics seem to support a pretty codependent relationship, not generally something of which I'm a big fan. I continued to listen to this song, incessently, for weeks. I was determined to make sense of what it was trying to tell me.

Then it happened, it clicked, and I understood. Tears swam into my eyes.


It is a love song to myself.

I know it is not a traditional love song. This song has grit, hurt, and sadness wrapped deeply into it. It isn't a fairytale or a fantasy. But, of course, that is why it works. A love song to myself could never be too sweet or too rosey. I know myself too well. I was there on the cold, dark nights when I was filled with self-hatred, disgust, and shame. It wasn't sweet or rosey. I also know the intense, bone-jarring deconstruction and rebuilding that I have spent most of my life doing. And it doesn't fit in the "boy meets girl and the world is complete" paradigm of love songs.

In order to understand why this song is perfect love song for me, you have to understand something about me. I do not want to be loved only for what I do well. I do not want to be loved only for the good things about me. I do not want to be loved "in spite" of my flaws and mistakes.


I want to be loved for Me, all of me.

I want you to love me because I'm weird, because of my ADD and all the annoying behaviors it engenders, because I'm constantly overwhelmed, because I can't multitask and juggle lots of balls without making a giant mess, in essence, because I'm flawed and imperfect. These things are a part of me, so how can you love me without loving them?

If you can't love me completely in the moment that I am being impossible, then you can't love me completely.

And I deserve to be loved completely.

That is why this song is the right love song for me. It starts by acknowledging all of the shit that has transpired, all the ways I have hurt myself, and all the ways I have failed to be the "me" of my dreams. It asks for an abundance of strength in the face of hardship, forgiveness in the face of failure, and ultimately Grace. It askes me to not only forgive, but absolve myself of it all. Take the past and all it's dirty little episodes and throw them away...let them go....surrender them to God, The Universe, who or whatever....just have it be over and done. And with each new mistake, learn and let it go!

It asks me to look at the good. I am to look at the ways I make the world a better place, the ways that I enhance my life and the lives of those around me, the things that I do well, and simply the ways that I am good. These things are to be my focus. Because what we focus on always gets bigger.

Ultimately, it asks me to look at the whole of me. Everything that I am, have been, and can be. I am asked to look at it all....and be enchanted! This part is important. It is not enough to be accepting, or even content....I am asked to be in-love with what I see. I am to be the girl that suits my fancy, and nothing less than that will do.

In essence, I am asked to love myself for exactly who I am, fuck-ups, gifts, and all. It asks me if I still hold myself in esteem and love after all I've been through, and really, how could the answer be anything other than "yes"?

My saying "yes" is important for another reason. Simply, I can NOT ask from others something I will not give myself. If I will not love myself as I deserve to be loved, completely and without reservation, then I cannot not expect it from anyone else. And I cannot be hurt when they will not provide for me what I will not provide for myself.

Finally, the song ends with a commitment. A commitment to always be there, no matter how many times I forget myself. A commitment to always provide forgiveness, strength, and grace. A commitment to love myself completely and totally no matter what.

That is a commitment I am happy to make. "Cause baby, I'm a true romantic!"



To hear the song that baffled my brain, but spoke deeply to my heart click on the link below. It is from the Indigo Girls's new CD. It is called "True Romantic" and the lyrics follow the link.




Baby, I got the best intentions, but I just can't do it.
Baby, I got the truest aim, but I just can't win.
Baby, I got a good vibration, but I just can't play it.
Baby, I spent my only fortune on the wages of sin.

So you, you gotta be extra forgiving.
And you gotta be, super stong.
And you gotta be a true romantic.
I want you to look the other way. When everything goes wrong.

Baby if you took all the good stuff and you put it all together.
And you took all the bad stuff and you threw it all away:
Would I still be the girl that suits your fancy?
Would I still be the boy that rocks your world?

So if you get lonely for the trouble and the chaos.
If you get bored, since you walked away.
Remember what I told you, when night was darkest.
You can leave me all you need to
Baby, I'm here to stay.

Baby, I'm gonna be extra forgiving.
And I'm gonna be super strong.
Cause baby, I'm a true romantic.
I'm gonna look the other way when everything goes wrong.